Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
