What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
