I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
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I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...