Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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