i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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