At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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