meet me or not, i'm out of control
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
