Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
