Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
