Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
