Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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