11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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