Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
