I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
