is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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