I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
