His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
