Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
