If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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