I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
