Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She bit a glass in half.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
