he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize