I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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