Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
