and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
