Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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