bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
