He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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