you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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