I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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