he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
