there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
