Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we're so committed to being not committed
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
