ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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