I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
