I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
