Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
