I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
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after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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