Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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