You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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