We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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