i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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