New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
