I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I intend to get homeless drunk
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
