The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
