i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
