Screwed.edu
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
