I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
