I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
