I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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