I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
