Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
