So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
