i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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