my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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